whomever that is
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: (Sequel to 'kodoku'.) This delves into the thoughts of Yuki as a writer, a person, and how they intertwine while writing a book that he presents to Tohma after eight years...


disclaimer: Gravitation is one of my passions in life. Unfortunately, I do not own it.  
  
The power of suggestion is just as potent as an addiction. You think of an idea and it rolls inside of your head until you have dissected it into tiny little pieces like a surgeon cutting into his patient's pure, red heart, only he's taking his steak instead. Many pneumonic devices lead to another idea that spins inside of your head and you analyze until your heart is content.  
  
Content that it's dead and used to the point that it can't breathe anymore no matter what you do. You have done a good job, haven't you?  
  
Or is it?  
  
Ignorant people rant about what they really don't know. Informed ones are prejudice against what they do know. Who's the one that's right? Who's the one that's truly open-minded?  
  
A book in my mind is contrived in this way: An idea spilled into your hands until you obsess over it, making it look so natural.   
  
What they don't know is that you've told the truth inside a bed of beautiful fabrications and lies called fiction. Only, it's not fiction at all because only you know what lurks in the shadows of its words.  
  
You've bled to death in front of your public so many times…  
  
…only to bleed numerous times more without looking like it.  
  
whomever that is.  
  
(Sequel to 'Kodoku')  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
"The control of suggestion is a powerful thing, Eiri-kun," Tohma had told me when I was starting to write my first book. He was standing behind me not to watch over me, but to pat my back.  
  
I finally was able to sigh in relief since so many people around me were telling me their opinions about what _I_ should write. In the end, there I was in my room, holding onto the pen shakily in between my fingers.  
  
Thinking and thinking, I looked at Tohma, but he shook his head at me. Leaning over to kiss me on the top of my head, he rubbed the kiss away just as fast and gently as he had given it. I always found this custom of his strange.  
  
It wasn't the kiss. I was used to his affection towards me.  
  
It was as if he were wiping it away on purpose like there was something wrong with it.  
  
I had wanted to tell him that of all the people I wanted to touch me, I would allow him to. I didn't trust anyone else. Especially after Yuki.  
  
My eyes became slits as I thought of this person, but Tohma couldn't see me as he turned around, walked away, and closed the door behind him.  
  
I agonized over this.  
  
In the end, I _wanted_ to write about Yuki. There would be no way I could vent this unless I didn't. And who would really know that any of this was true?  
  
I could disguise the main characters with my words, and yet convey what I wanted.   
  
It was the only way that I could let it all out.  
  
Let it out without crying or craving for someone to touch me to get close to me.  
  
I was already fifteen-years-old, and yet, I still cared for this sick man who taught me to love the very thing I would make a career in: Literature.  
  
I hated and loved him at the same time, and this was something Tohma could never understand or touch about me. That was the touch I craved for.  
  
That's when I began to write the first words of my first manuscript:  
  
"The world may tell you love is a beautiful thing that's like a rose with thorns because they prick at you. As for me, I'll tell you love is like a prostitute.  
  
The prostitute gives you the illusion of being cared for. All for a well-crafted fee, which is about 1/10 of your soul…"  
  
But before I knew it, I fell asleep with the pen mark making an wavering line upon the notebook paper. I pulled my arms together and slept on my desk…  
  
Tohma told me, "The control of suggestion is a powerful thing, Eiri-kun."  
  
He was standing next to me with his arms folded and those gloves that made me think he was eternally cold for he never took them off for any reason. As if he wanted to make it very clear that he didn't want to make any physical contact with anyone around him, even when he told you he loved and cared for you.  
  
I looked around curiously around this room that was pure white, but with only my wooden desk in the middle of the room. I shook my head and looked at him as I leaned on the desk making sure there was something tangible to hold onto since everything seemed so unreal.   
  
"I thought you already told me that, Tohma," I told him with a suspicious face that looked into his eyes.  
  
"I have?" Tohma then sat on the desk and pulled my chin.  
  
I looked at him with an annoyed expression. I trusted him completely, but there was something that wasn't quite 'him' at the moment.  
  
"What's wrong, Eiri-kun?" His eyes changed from suggestion to that of cruel accusation. "Whom do you love? Yuki or me?"  
  
"What?!" I shook my head and got off my chair in shock. "Where's the real Tohma?"  
  
"Where's the real Eiri?" He took off his gloves and grabbed for my face. "Tell me where you've hidden my innocent Eiri."  
  
Something inside me sounded like, "Ping!"  
  
It made me shiver as if he had triggered the very thing I was trying to hide all these years. My shame of being so broken and dirty…  
  
It was then that Tohma's gentle smile came back and he pulled my face. I tried to resist, but I found myself kissing him.   
  
Enjoying his hands move from my cheeks to the sides of my neck as he pressed me against the wall. "Who do you love, Eiri?" he whispered into my ear.  
  
"I…" I gulped.  
  
I opened my eyes as I found myself drenched in a cold sweat while staring up to the ceiling. I looked around and took a deep breath. I just sat there for a moment trying to re-orientate myself in my own room.  
  
Feeling guilty over the power of suggestion.  
  
It was my stupid sister's fault.  
  
While tilting her head at me, she shook her head while crossing her arms. I didn't know if she was kidding or if she was truly jealous for people always make jokes that were almost half true, right? She made a comment to us while I was starting to write my book.   
  
With Tohma standing over me after buying me all the materials I would need for my book, I thanked him over and over in embarrassment. It was as if I had been the way I was before Yuki stained me with his weird conception of tainted affection.  
  
Tohma always made me feel comfortable with myself because he never changed the way he treated me, before or after the trip to America.  
  
"I'd be more careful if you were my younger sister than my younger brother, Eiri," she laughed. "Tohma seems to spoil you more than he spoils me."  
  
Tohma chuckled as he commented, "If I gave you any more of myself, I'd fail to exist, Mika."  
  
With that, she left, but when I looked at Tohma for a moment, he was thinking. He seemed lost in thought, but then, the familiar, mysterious smile came to his face. It was the one that made me question if he meant what he said or was he thinking of something else, the total opposite.  
  
That thought stuck to me, but I tried to ignore it.  
  
And it didn't help me that I had this dream.   
  
After that dream, I pretended as if my sister had never said what she did or that I had ever dreamed such a weird dream. That fact was that the more I tried to ignore it, the more it came back to haunt me.  
  
I couldn't be in the same room as Tohma without feeling slightly uncomfortable, wanting him so badly that I had to get a drink of water. I would think of his changed voice and go on with life in everyone's eyes as if nothing was happening.  
  
I was a good actor at hiding my feelings anyway.  
  
I couldn't tell him how I felt about everything, but there was one time when he was making an arrangement for a song for Nittle Grasper. I was already eighteen, admired by many girls, but not really serious with anyone.  
  
It was because every time I would become interested, I had a mental block.  
  
I would look at the girl and kiss her, then I would drop her. This wasn't love at all, it was a game.  
  
That's what my good teacher Yuki had taught me.  
  
"I'm scared of being exclusive to only one person," I would tell each one, even if she was the sweetest person that would probably stay with me as long as I'd let her. "I'm not ready."  
  
That was only half of the truth.  
  
The other half was that I would suddenly think of dreams with Tohma and just feel unsatisfied with the way we kissed. It wasn't the same, but I would blush and feel ashamed that I was starting to fall for a man all over again.   
  
But I wasn't going to tell him. I wasn't even admitting this to myself.  
  
And this was my sister's boyfriend, for heaven's sake!  
  
I stood behind the glass while he was recording his portion of the song. No one was there, but I was glad. I wanted to thank him while no one was there.  
  
When he came to me, he smiled at me. "So, what brings you here today? I would have thought that you'd be writing your next book since the first one is now a bestseller."  
  
I gave him a deadpan look. "I should be. They'll get the manuscript when I'm done."  
  
He messed up my hair and laughed. "Ah, always trying to act like the punk, but you can never fool me. You're so anal about deadlines that even I'm impressed."  
  
"Heh," I said as I leaned on a wall and started to take out a pack of cigarettes.  
  
"You shouldn't do that," Tohma said with an irritated tone, but because he couldn't really say no to me for anything, he took it and lit for me. Taking a puff, he then passed the cigarette back to me, handing it back to me by pushing it onto my lips.  
  
I didn't look like it, but for a moment, I tried to figure out what this tasted like. I began to laugh.  
  
"What's so funny?" he asked as he crossed his arms and breathed out.   
  
Nonchalantly, I said, "Now my cigarette filter tastes like strawberries."  
  
He smirked.  
  
"I came today to say thank you to you for doing all this for me." I breathed out and put the ashes on an astray. I then smiled sincerely at him. "Thank you, Tohma."  
  
For a moment, he just nodded his head, but it was as if he was lost in thought again, like when I was writing my first book.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked him with concern in my eyes.  
  
He shook his head and then he looked to the ground. Smiling softly to himself, he answered, "You smiled like the first time I met you. When you told me you wanted to be a novelist."  
  
"I did?" I laughed a bit. "How could you remember that? I was a stupid idealist back then."  
  
"I could never forget that," he said as he looked up and stared straight into my eyes. "That look…I loved the way you looked so passionate about what you wanted from life. I helped you because I believed in you and your words, Eiri."  
  
I then put out my cigarette and leaned my head on his shoulder. "I sometimes wish I could be the person I was before."  
  
At that moment, he took my face into his hands again. Looking at me with a sincere expression, he told me, "I've always loved you the way you are. Whomever you think you are. Then and now."  
  
I then pushed my head onto his shoulder as some tears poured onto his shirt while he tightly held onto me. Holding onto me the way I had wanted to be touched.  
  
Telling me what I needed to hear.  
  
Then, without warning, he whispered into my ear, "I've always loved you."  
  
My eyes crunched as my heart cringed at that moment.   
  
Yes, the words I wanted to hear…  
  
…but I couldn't.  
  
I would never let him know because I didn't want to make my sister unhappy. And what would Tohma think of me if he knew I more than admired him? That I was falling for him?  
  
He would look at me so differently than he did now…  
  
I didn't want him to…  
  
I smiled as I let go of him while feeling that I was really cutting myself up. "Thank you for always watching over me like the brother I've always needed."  
  
Joking, I added, "Tatsuha's not helping with his obsession over Sakuma Ryuichi."  
  
Tohma's eyes closed for a moment as if I had stabbed him, but he kept that smile on his face. That smile I had learned to hate.  
  
The one where I couldn't touch him no matter how much I tried.  
  
Kissing him on the cheek, I then bowed my head. "Good night and see you tomorrow for dinner."  
  
I walked home that day with a sunk feeling inside me. It was as if I had cut off half of my heart and left it out to rot.  
  
This hurt more than Yuki…  
  
…that's how I knew it was much, much worse…  
  
I went back home to an empty apartment that Tohma let me rent while I was publishing in Tokyo and going to school at the same time.  
  
I closed the door and immediately turned on the radio to distract me. I put the coffee maker on and took a shower, but I threw my clothes onto the bed, never washing that shirt or pants again.  
  
Tohma…  
  
Tohma's scent was all over those clothes.  
  
After my shower, I put a towel on my waist and over my shoulders while my wet hair dripped to the ground. Taking the clothes into my hands, I smelled it and closed my eyes.  
  
Because I couldn't cry, like a child, I threw them to one corner of the room because I was so frustrated.  
  
My sister, Tohma, Tatsuha, and editor called that evening, but I didn't pick up the phone. I just sat on my desk chair with my laptop in front of me and a cup of coffee in my hand.  
  
I stared at the blank screen in front of me with the marker taunting me.  
  
Blink, blink, blink…  
  
"Write what you know," my editor had told me. "But make it interesting. That's the secret. What kind of perspective do you want to give to your audience?"  
  
I began to type my first sentence:   
  
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I love the way you smile."  
  
--  
  
Years later, here I was twenty-six-years old, still writing romance novels that women loved and I couldn't understand why. Well, not until I made Shuichi actually sit down in one place. Yes, sit down in one place without talking or fidgeting to read one of my books. It was about a male actor who fell for a poet. The problem was, the girl was mute.  
  
By the time he finished, which was a day later, he came back to me with a pout and eyes about to pour a dam of water. The usual reaction to everything, but this time, it was different.  
  
He sighed as he shook his head. Then, without warning, he sat on my lap and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, saying, "Yuki…please don't ever hide from me…"  
  
Shuichi hugged me tighter as he kissed me on the cheek.  
  
"What are you talking about, Baka?" I just placed my arms loosely around him while staring at my new manuscript.  
  
"No matter how long it takes, I want to know everything about you." Smiling and running his fingers through my hair gently, he said, "Because so far, I've loved everything."  
  
Tiredly, he fell asleep in my arms.  
  
Sighing, I saved my manuscript and closed the laptop. Looking down at his sleeping face, I just held him and kissed his lips. The ones that tasted like cherry Popsicles.  
  
I've loved everything about you so far, even though I look like I'm annoyed.  
  
--  
  
Then, two days later, I visited Tohma in NG Records. He was about to go home, but I dropped by and he sat behind his desk chair with that same calm air about him. The one that said to everyone that if you didn't let him conquer the world, then you were just in his damn way.  
  
I always liked that about him.  
  
But something was wrong with the office. It seemed different even though I had been there a million times and it had always been the same as the day it was first decorated.  
  
"The curtains are a bit different…" I commented while looking at them strangely.  
  
He just cleared his throat and didn't say a word.  
  
Still with the mask of an actor before me, I solemnly took out my new manuscript from my bag. I then put it on his desk and said, "Please read it."  
  
I had never said that before, so Tohma was taken aback.  
  
"I want you to tell me what you think about it," I said as I looked into his eyes.  
  
Nodding, he said, "Okay, but care to brief me on it?"  
  
"It's been sitting on my hard drive for eight years," I chuckled to myself. Then, I seriously said, "It's set here in Tokyo and Kyoto. It's kind of sci-fi-ish because I wanted to do something different. It's about a statue that comes to life when the moon is full."  
  
His eyes opened a bit. Smiling that mysterious smile of his, he commented, "Kind of like the song I made, 'Kodoku.'"  
  
That's exactly what I'm replying to.  
  
Knowing he wouldn't understand this, I just smiled back. I continued, "The statue falls for a human, thinking that the human would never understand how much he loved him. The funny thing is, the human never said that he had admired that ancient statue since he was a child. He had fallen in love with the world thinking that he was stupid for having feelings for an inanimate thing."  
  
For a moment, I gave him a sincere, melancholic smile that I would never reveal to anyone else but Shuichi. All the repressed feelings that I had never said were coming back to hurt me. They cringed inside of my heart and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  
  
But there I stood still, so vulnerable and honest in front of him like the first day I met him.  
  
I couldn't say all the things I wanted to because I shouldn't have. So instead, I turned around. "I hope you like the story. I'll see you later."  
  
I started to walk towards the door when he said, "What's it called? Why is this untitled? That's so unlike you."  
  
Glancing back at him, I answered, "I was thinking you should title it for me."  
  
Then, I walked on. Before I closed the door, unable to look at him, I said, "At least in a book, they'll have a happy ending."  
  
Click.  
  
--  
  
Coming home, I looked into those sparkling eyes of Shuichi. Even though he was no longer a teenager, he still jumped into my arms and greeted me happily, "Okaeri, Yuki!"  
  
I closed my eyes and kissed him on the forehead.  
  
Later that night, after Shuichi went to bed, I held him while looking up to the ceiling and all the darkness around me.  
  
Tohma was right. There was still that part of me that had never changed since I was a child.   
  
I had such a crush on you, Tohma, when I first met you.   
  
I just denied it all these years.   
  
You were perfect…  
  
Everything I had wanted, but you weren't meant for me.  
  
And until now, even if you read this book, I know you won't understand this. You didn't know how long it took me to fall out of love with you.  
  
I then I looked at glanced at Shuichi and back at the ceiling.  
  
Covering up to make it that I still had feelings for Yuki, when it was actually for you.  
  
I learned to hide so well because of you.  
  
But will you understand what I'm trying to tell you through this book? All my feelings, all the trials, everything masqueraded by characters and plot, but these feelings were sincere and true?  
  
Could you understand how hard it was for me to always just look at you while you were with my sister and I got jealous, but I just always smiled at you? Could you understand how many times I wanted to just stay in your arms because you made me feel so wanted, unlike everyone else?  
  
How could you possibly know how hard it was to be around you while I had to face the realities that I was just your girlfriend's little brother and we were both male? Even though I loved you so much without saying anything except in books?  
  
Most of all, I didn't want you to see me any differently…  
  
How could you possibly understand that because of you, I was able to live?  
  
I couldn't have survived without you.  
  
And here I was again in a book opened before you, Tohma,  
  
as the 'human', bleeding over and over because I just can't reach you in any other way…  
  
…with the very words I can't say, working against me.  
  
You are a part of me.  
  
Whomever that is.  
  
Owari.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I usually do not write from Yuki's perspective, but I thought I'd get into it again. It just occurred to me that I should make a 'sequel' to the Tohma angsting over Eiri fic because I felt so bad for Tohma. This is what I came out.  
  
I don't really know what I was thinking, but I think it's strange in a cute way. Blame it on the fact that I was listening to Shiina Ringo. (What an awesome, talented woman!) A very interesting write and read, imho.  
  
Since I've written how I've felt about music, I thought I should write about how I felt about writing. (That and the many times I've been told my former employer to revise.) Seeing if I could come into Yuki's frame of mind. Some people would like to say Ryuichi is one of the hardest Gravi characters to write, but for me, it's always been Yuki. Ryuichi's the adorable weirdo I can actually relate to. 


End file.
